I spoke too soon about the weather. We went from the hot weather back to crappy weather overnight. I guess it really "is" Spring, but that's fine with me... I can deal with the 60's much better than the 80's (except in the 40's the other day with wind and rain.. yuck).

A dear, wonderful friend called me on the 27th. She came home from work to find her beautiful Dobie had lost the use of his back legs and control of his bowels. She called while she was sitting on the porch with him waiting for the vet to come. His front legs were starting to get rigid too. There was nothing that could be done for him, and he left for the Rainbow Bridge shortly after we spoke. Many of you know this extremely loving person through another format, but I'm not sure she wants her name posted here, so I will respect that, but I know she keeps up with Mike's blog, and I can't let this post go on without letting her know how sorry I am and how deeply I care about her. My heart is breaking for you girlfriend. You've been so supportive of Mike and Gidget and so many others. Just want to say I love you bunches. ((((Friend))))

Today is two weeks since my boy's been gone. I think I'm going to learn to hate Thursdays. I just miss him so much. When I'm at the computer, I keep looking down to the floor on the right side of my chair... thinking he'll be there... he "should" be there. But he's not.

I still haven't picked up his comforter off the floor... just can't make myself do it yet. I guess I'll know when I'm ready, but it's just not yet.

I left Gidget alone, loose, in the house for the first time today for about 45 minutes when I went out. She did great!! When I came in, it was wonderful having her meet me at the door (like Mike use to). I've got a conference tomorrow night and have to leave around 4:00. I won't get home until at least 10:00, so now I'm wondering if I should just leave her out while I'm gone.

I just realized something... just this minute. I think I want Gidget to have more freedom to stay loose when I go out because I miss Mike meeting me at the door. He'd be right there with his head popping through the door as I opened it... I'd pet him and ask him if anyone called or came over, and then we'd let Gidge out of her room. She stuck her little head out just like he did and didn't even try to run out. Yep... that's it... I mean I knew I missed him like crazy when I came home.. but not how much ... just seeing his beautiful face .. happy to see me. Man this really sucks.

Oh... I don't think I told you. Last week, when I went to work, there was an envelope in my box (where I put things that need to be done, and Joanne puts things she wants me to do). On the outside of the envelope it said, "I hate even giving this to you". Joanne was there, and I said "my bill right"? She said it was. I had no idea how much I owed her. I mean, after all, she came over 4 days in a row and gave him liquids, shots, did a complete senior work up panel for the lab work, and then (of course) euthanasia and cremation. I figured it out that if I had been taking him to any other vet (including the one we use to go to), it would have been well over $500. I couldn't believe it... she never charged for even one housecall (usually $30 each), only charged $2 for each bag of fluids, $5 each for the shots (I think there were three of them when he was throwing up)... the lab work was charged at what they charge her and so was the cremation, she charged $30 for the euthanasia (but that was just enough to cover the vet tech that was with her... so actually she didn't charge me at all for it). All total, it came to (wait till you see this)... $194. And she put a note on the invoice that said "you can pay this in several smaller payments from your check". OMG... how did I ever get so lucky. She's unbelievable. I know God is holding a special place in Heaven for her.

Tomorrow is Friday already. I can't believe how fast time seems to be moving. The older I get, the faster it flies. I guess that's the way life goes huh?
I hope everyone has a wonderful, happy and healthy weekend.

Love & Blessings

It looks like we went right from Winter to Summer with no Spring in between. The temperature has been in the mid to high 80's and hit 93 on Saturday. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy it much. For some reason, I had absolutely no energy at all on Saturday and Sunday. Gidget woke up at 8:30 both mornings and needed to go out... it took me almost fifteen minutes to be able to move (even though I was awake) on Saturday, and Sunday was no better. I was so tired and my body felt like something was pushing me down where I couldn't move.

On Saturday, I ended up in the recliner until almost 12:30. Around 1:00 I literally "forced" myself to go to PetSmart and got a harness for the seat belt in the car to keep her safe. She loves riding in the car, but I can't trust her. Plus the fact that if I have to make a quick stop, she falls on the floor, and on top of the fact that as soon as I open the door, she'll jump out... well this seemed to be the safest way to take her anywhere. I was going to come home and try it out (take her for a ride), but I was so drained again and my legs were cramped, I could hardly move. I was gone less than an hour, and somehow used whatever energy I could muster up.

It was about two hours later when I was finally able to kick myself in the ass and get up again. Gidget had been so good... I felt horrible that she was missing out on such a great day too. So, I washed my face, actually ate a teaspoon of sugar for energy, and put her in the car. She was so excited. We went to my brother's house. They have two dogs (a golden-doodle and a tiny pappilion puppy) that Gidget had never met. I was a little concerned because she has never been socialized with any dogs other than Mike, but my concerns were needless. It only took seconds of nose to nose contacts (butt sniffing wasn't even necessary) between her and Mikey (the doodle) for them to become fast friends. I let her off the leash and watched her run like crazy around the yard with Mikey. He chased her... she chased him... and poor little Chloe just wanted to get in on it so bad, but her little legs just couldn't keep up (she's about the size of a man's large hand).

The dogs ran for maybe 20 minutes before they slowed down. OMG.. that was the first time Gidget had been able to run free... it just made me smile and laugh so much that it was well worth all the effort of forcing myself to go. When they slowed down some, little Chloe was able to catch up with Gidget and started batting at her face and tail and giving her whisker kisses like Gidget use to give Mike. All of a sudden, Gidget looked so big next to the puppy... I could only think of Mike and that his sister did the same exact things to him. As happy as it made me to see her having such a wonderful time, at the same time, it broke my heart knowing that Mike wasn't there to enjoy it too. Gidget's the "big" kid now (at least as far as Chloe is concerned), and it was so odd to see her playing so gently with that little one... it just seemed like it should have been Mike there playing with her too.

When we got home, I collapsed on the chair and Gidget pretty much did the same. We were both worn out. She went to her room around 8:30 and I went to bed at 9:00... hoping for more energy on Sunday. It didn't happen. Except for letting Gidge out at 8:30, I fell back to sleep and never woke up till noon. The entire day was like that. I never made it to church and couldn't even walk Gidget out back (I tried a couple of times) but my legs started cramping up so bad that I couldn't even walk.

THANK GOD... this morning I feel awake and alive again. I am so very grateful. I tried walking Gidge in back again, and my legs are still cramping up, so I guess I'm going to "have" to call the doctor... ohhhhh how I hate to do that.

Something else has been bothering me that I just don't understand. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day, and for some reason, I told her I hadn't cried and maybe if I could cry I would feel better. As soon as we hung up the phone, I thought, "how could I say that?" I cried non-stop for almost four days after Mike left me. I guess maybe because I hadn't cried for two or three days before I talked to her?... maybe I forgot? Is that possible? I mean... my eyes were swollen for such a long time, and I know it wasn't from "not" crying. I'm wondering if I felt guilty because the tears hadn't fallen for a couple of days. Of course, it doesn't take much for tears to start up (a memory, a thought, kissing the can with his ashes in it), but I've been able to hold them back for the most part. I'm wondering if maybe I'm feeling guilty because I've been able to hold them back since my breakdown is over. I don't know... and I don't even know why I'm writing about it here... guess I just have to get it out, and this is the "safest" place for me to do that since I know you all understand.

It's another beautiful day... 77 degrees... this is PERFECT for me... not too hot. I'm going to work soon, and I'm praying really hard that I'll still feel energetic enough to take Gidget over Joe's so she could run with her cousins again. That was just so awesome.

I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Thank you all so much for keeping up with us. We're so blessed to have friends like you.

Love & Blessings,
Joanna, (Angel) Mike & Gidget

Well... somehow we got through the day. Gidget was extremely nervous for quite awhile after I got home from work. We went out in back, and I let her run some of that energy off, but apparently it wasn't enough, because she never really settled down until around 8:00.

Cindy said...

For some reason I looked up at the clock today when it was 1PM. I sent Mike some hugs and kisses, and told him to make sure he keeps letting u know he is near--and Gidget too.
I also sent u hugs.
Tuck has his head on my leg, and God, I wish Mike was physically there with u too--I know u wish the same with all ur heart. But, I know Mike is a strong presence and will be taking care of u.
Hugs to u and gidget.
Cindy and the boyz

April 23, 2009 10:33 PM

Cindy, I did the same thing... looked at the clock just before I was going to go out for a break and saw it was 1:00. That was really hard. I just wanted to hold my boy. Thank you so much for the love and prayers you offer. You are such a special friend.

I went back in to the office and just couldn't concentrate, so at 2:00 I took another break, and that made it worse... I realized that was about the time he was being taken from me for the last time. I really hate this... I've been through a lot of things that were hard to get through, but this is the hardest (other than losing family members).

What was really strange yesterday too was... normally, when I get to work, all four of Joanne's dogs greet me at the door. They know when I come in they all get a treat. Only one, Odie, met me at the door, and he looked depressed. Frankie, Oobie and Dillon were no where around to meet me. And later, when I went out for a break, I had to call them to see if they wanted to go out with me... no one came... not one of them. It was so strange because they usually go in and out with me. I'm guessing they picked up on my mood... but it's odd because it seems they picked up on it before I even got there.

I'm leaving for work in a few minutes. It's a beautiful day. I went out and planted the yellow tulip plant that Marilyn gave me in memory of Mike. It's in the flower bed by the front door where I can see it either standing at the door or from my bedroom window. There are 6 beautiful yellow tulips on it in full bloom. Now every time I see yellow tulips, I'll think of my prince (of course it won't take tulips to make me think of him).

Have a great day everyone. And thank you so much for all your love and caring. You all mean so much to us.

Love & Blessings,
Joanna, (Angel) Mike & Little Gidget

Well.. at 1:00 today, it will be one week since my boy had to leave. Last week at this time, I was sitting on the floor petting my baby and touching his soft beautiful hair. Little Gidget was laying on the bed looking down at us respecting our time together.

I'll be leaving for work soon, so I'll be there at 1:00... but that's not going to help much. It's gonna be a hard day. But I know I'll get through it... I don't have a choice. I hate to leave Gidget today.. even for a few hours, but I know she'll be ok... I guess I just want to hold her all day.

Not really up to writing more right now and have to get ready for work. I hope everyone has a great day. Thank you all for staying so close to us. We love you all!!

Love & Blessings

I'm sorry. I really wasn't up to writing yesterday. I did manage to go to work, and that helped a bit. Only worked four hours, but it kept me busy. I was anxious to get home to Gidget though. I find I hate leaving her home now knowing she's home by herself. I don't know if she notices the difference since Mike use to just sleep the entire time I'd be gone, but I know the difference.

She's really changed since he's been gone. She's not barking so much, and her need to go out is more like a "normal" dog (not every fifteen minutes because she's bored). I'm sure a bit (or a lot) of this is because I'm giving her so much attention lately and the rest of it is because she's depressed. I pick her up and cuddle her as much as I can, so she's not lacking attention. Plus it helps me to hold her close. I'm guessing it's helping her to heal. I know I'd love to have someone here to hug me and hold me close to help me... but this little girl is doing the best she can, and I'm so very grateful to have her with me.

I haven't had anymore Mike sightings, but something quite odd happened yesterday morning. I leave the computer on all night, and normally each night Debs and I chat on Skype. Well night before last.. after we had said goodnight, I closed Skype down and went to bed.

Yesterday morning, when I went to get on the computer, there was a window from Skype on my screen saying that the picture I sent Deb was complete. Now, to send a picture through Skype, you open your picture folder and drag and drop the picture you want to send into the chat window. From there, it downloads to the other person's screen. As it's being sent, you can see (in a separate window) the progress as to how quickly it's being downloaded to the other person's screen and when it's completed. When I went to bed, the Skype window was closed, and there were no open chat window or any other programs on my screen. Well... when I got up... there was the box telling me the "picture" had been sent. And this is the part that got me even more than the impossible task... the picture that had been sent was the one of Mike in the snow... the one I had picked out to have put on his urn. Debs is such a wonderful friend and has offered to have an urn made for him by someone she knows who does woodwork. She is having a beautiful urn made for him in the shape of a dog house with his picture on it, and this was the picture I chose to have put on it. Another thing that was weird about this whole thing (as if this wasn't weird enough), when Debs turned her Skype on... no picture had come across.
I'm guessing Mike's been using Heaven's computer to let me know he likes the picture I chose for him. Weird huh? :-O

It's still so lonely around here both for Gidget and myself, but we're both doing the best we can to cope. Thank God we have each other and all of our wonderful computer friends to lean on.

God Bless Each And Every One of You!!
We Love You So Very Much!!

Guess what... Mike made himself known last night. OMG, I couldn't believe it. I woke up in the middle of the night (potty of course), and as I looked down at his comforter, I could actually see him there. It may have been an illusion, but it was a wonderful one. He was laying like he always did... on his side with his front legs a little bent and his back legs straight out with his tail down by his legs. He had his belly band on and it had slipped a bit down his back (like it always did while getting comfortable). It was so real looking that I actually reached down to pet him, but of course, I only got the comforter. Embarrassed to say that (I'm not normally like this but) being a doubting Thomas, I turned the light on... I just saw the comforter. But...after going to the bathroom and coming back in the bedroom with the lights out... I could still see him. OMG... what a beautiful sight. How wonderful if he was really there, and if I could really pet him. After I went back to bed, I looked again, expecting him to be gone... still there. I know animals have made their way back to they're family after death, but I kind of think if Mike was really there, he wouldn't have had the belly band on... after all, he's running free without it now, and I'm sure he's very happy to be free of it. My mind has only seen him with the band on for so long, that this would be the way I would envision him. Well.. whatever... vision or imagination.. it was wonderful.

This morning Gidget went to look for him again. It's just so sad watching her. Last night and again this morning she just broke my heart. I looked to see where she was and found her laying on the arm of the couch by the wall where she use to lay to watch Mike sleep in his corner behind the couch. (This is not the same side she normally lays to look out the window or door). That was the first time I had seen her on that side since he's been gone. Maybe she could see his spirit there... maybe not... she looked so sad. She went to wake him up again this morning too. She's having as bad of a time as I am. She's very subdued this morning. I'm giving her as much attention as she wants, but unlike any other day... she doesn't seem to want attention like she normally does (which is all the time). That doesn't stop me from cuddling with her though.

Last night I tried letting her sleep with me instead of in her room. What a joke that was. She doesn't seem to get the concept of sleeping in the bed. Her idea of "sleeping" was to walk around the bed, come up to my head and lick my face. I got her to lay down a few times, but she got right back up and sniffed and licked and did everything but lay there and cuddle with me. Then she'd jump off the bed and back on again.... hmmmmmmm.... Finally, she got off the bed and barked to go out. I let her out, and when we came back in, she went right to her room. So much for cuddling. I really wanted to cuddle with her last night, because (even though Mike slept on the floor next to me) it's really been lonely in that bedroom at night. Maybe that's why I saw (or thought I saw) him last night... to ease the loneliness.

There's not enough work today for me to go in to work, so I'm going to try to get this house cleaned up a little. I haven't done a thing since Mike left. The laundry needs to be finished, the table and counters are full of everything I didn't have the energy (or care) to put away, there is still a small stain on the bedroom carpet where I believe Mike might have vomited a little in his sleep the night before he left, and so many other things to do. I could have done all these things yesterday, but I had absolutely no energy at all. I don't have much energy now, but I have to force myself to do "something". It was an effort last night to even shower... but somehow that was the only I managed to get done.

I have to tell you all. It's been so wonderful to have all the support all of you have given me. E-mails, phone calls, postings... my son has called me every day since Mike went Home. He and Rebecca lost Bailey not too long ago, and he (they) know exactly what I'm going through. Bailey was a 17 year old Basset who was their baby (and my only Granddaughter). They had her since she was a tiny puppy. It's just so hard losing one you love... especially since they've been your life for so long.

Thank you all so very much.

God Bless You All

I hate to even post today, but since I missed yesterday, I feel I should let you all what's going on since I do appreciate everyone who's been keeping up with us here.

Today was the hardest day so far. I only woke up once last night and slept really heavy the rest of the night. But this morning, I woke up so tired I didn't want to move. I thought if I got to church I'd feel better (that's usually the case) but not today. Came home and hit the lazy boy... that's pretty much where I've been all afternoon.

I think Gidget "may" be adjusting a little better than I am (I hope). She didn't go looking for him this morning, but she has been pretty clingy today... that's fine with me, cuz it feels good just to hug her. When she looks like she might be looking for him, I try to distract her.

I don't know if I mentioned it or not here (if I did please forgive me) but (eventually) I will be getting another dog... not too soon... the pain right now is too fresh. Besides, I have to wait to see how much I owe Joanne for Mike and work that off, and I HAVE to get my savings built up again... it's so low that it's embarrassing. I can't afford another dog now, and I pray so hard that Gidget NEVER gets sick. Not just for the sake of the money, but she would never put up with all the things Mike went through from the time he was diagnosed with cancer. Gidget's too feisty to get her butt shaved let alone have medical treatments done (such a little brat).

I'm going to close for now. Not really up to much of anything. Gonna try to take a shower and probably go to bed early.

Thanks so much to all of you who have e-mailed, called and posted on here and on IMOM. You are all helping me so much more than you can ever imagine.

God Bless You All!

Blogger Sequia said...

Oh my gosh, I am so very sorry. Even though I haven't been around for a long time, I have never stopped thinking of you. I have gone through a very rough period here where the board members tried to get us evicted (but to no avail)but that is now over with.
Please know that my heart goes out to you and I share in your tears. I bet you anything that Mike is with my CJ playing around and having a grand ole time!! You are a great mom to your babies and Mike knew that so very well. You are what kept him around longer that anticipated. Hugs to you and Gidget.
Love, Cynthia and the gang.

April 17, 2009 9:29 AM

Thank you so my Cynthia for being here for me. Without you and all my wonderful friends here, at IMOM, Mike's Craigslist friends and Facebook comments and supportive e-mails, I don't think I could do this on my own.

Just a note to update everyone. As you would imagine... it was a very difficult night last night. I kept checking the corner next to the bed where Mike would normally start sleeping... he wasn't there. I woke up in the middle of the night and got out of bed, being careful not to step on him because he always moved to lay on the comforter next to the bed in the middle of the night. He wasn't there. The comforter was empty. I know I should pick it up off the floor, but I just can't do it yet.

The worst part of all of this is Gidget. For the few days that Mike was so very sick, she was so calm and totally understanding of something going on. This morning, after I let her out of her "room" (she sleeps in her crate), she ran into the bedroom to wake him up with tons of whisker kisses like she always did. He wasn't there. She checked behind the couch (in the corner) where he would be (if not laying next to me or in the bedroom)... he wasn't there. How do I explain this to her? All morning now, she's been whining and going from one door to the other. She's so confused. Last night, it seemed she knew he was gone. She was very quiet, placid and just laid next to me the entire afternoon and evening. This morning, it's like she's expected him to come back. It makes it so hard seeing her like this.

I'm going to work this afternoon. I have to... not only to start paying some of what I owe for his treatments but also to keep my mind off of what's going on (and hopefully give Gidget a chance to relax for awhile in her room). The thing is... I am getting Mike's ashes back this morning, so he will be right with me on my desk today.... I'm not quite sure if that will make it easier or harder for me to concentrate. Whatever... he'll be with me.

I've tried to attach links to the slideshows of Mike and his sister here from photo bucket, but for some reason, they don't come across. If I figure it out, I'll post them later or tomorrow.

Thank you all again and again, and may God Bless Each And Every One Of You

SECOND POST OF THE DAY

It's over. My boy has left for the Bridge. My heart is breaking, and I feel like it's never going to be the same.

When Joanne called this morning at 9:15, she explained to me that "yes" the beginning of Cushings was there, but both that and the diabetes would be treatable. However, with the condition that he was in, and the fact that his Ketones level was so high (which was forcing his body to feed off of itself), and the level of diabetes he was in, would eventually have caused severe pancreatitis which would have been very painful. I just couldn't let him go through that.

After I got off the phone with her (except for the time it took to make my first post here), I spent every minute with him on the floor next to the bed just talking to him, loving him, brushing him and letting him know how much everyone loved him. I told him I knew how horrible he felt and that he was telling me he had had enough. The poor guy had no energy at all to even move. However, he did pick his head up a couple of times to look at me, like he understood everything I was saying.

He hadn't even gone outside since yesterday when Joanne was here... no energy at all, and I was so grateful that he had his diaper on so I didn't have to try to force him out... he never would have made it. I don't remember if I mentioned it in the previous post, but last night, I tried to drag him out from behind the couch so I could at least feed him. I was only able to get so far with him, so I squeezed myself between the couch and him and was able to force a bottle of baby food in him with a syringe, and then was able to give him the insulin. That was probably the only thing that kept him alive until this morning.

Also, when I woke up this morning, I heard him snoring. I "thought" that was a good sign, until I realized it wasn't snoring but instead, when he woke up (even though he wasn't moving) it was a rattling in his chest. Joanne verified that he was probably in the first stages of pneumonia as well.

I called my daughter to see if she would come over around 12:30 (since Joanne would be here around 1:00), and she did... she also brought Mike 2 cheeseburgers from McDonalds. I was elated when (even though they were in tiny, tiny bits), he ate them both... not the bread or cheese, but he hate the meat. It made me feel as though this was his Last Supper, and I was thrilled that he wouldn't be leaving me with an empty stomach. (Boy the things you think of at times like this).

Since it would have been very painful to get him out of the bedroom and in the living room, I asked Joanne if I moved the bed, if she could do "it" in the bedroom. She said yes, which made me very happy. It would have been difficult to do it on the floor since the space (even with the bed was limited), so I carefully picked him up and put him on his blanket on my bed. He was so weak, he didn't even argue about being picked up. Connie (the vet tech) was so wonderful about getting the iv in quickly and painlessly, he didn't even notice it, and since he was so weak anyway, there was no need for a sedative. Once the iv was set, Joanne asked me if I was "ready".......... hell no... I wasn't ready... but I knew Mike was. Michelle gave him the last bite of hamburger, and then I turned his head toward me and we looked in each others eyes. Again, telling him how much I loved him and would miss him, I told her to go ahead. It took only two seconds for him to rest his head on my hand... and it was done.

I've got his collar and some clips of his hair... and the memories of each and every moment we spent together. He was my mainstay for over 12 years.... my God and my Dog are the only things that got me through so many hard times.... only God knows what holds in store for me now.

Gidget is here with me, and for as much as a pain as she could be, I'm very grateful for her. She really seems to have matured a lot since he's been sick. The entire time I was sitting on the floor next to the bed petting him this morning, she just laid there watching us. She know. And I know she's going to miss him horribly... especially when she gets up in the morning and runs in the bedroom to give him wake up whisker kisses, and when she goes to try to get him to follow her when she wants to go outside.

It's been really hard to type this with the tears flowing. I'll write more later when I can. It may be awhile, but thank you all so much for all of the love you've shown my boy over the last (almost) two years. God Bless Each And Every One of You!

Love & Blessings,
Joanna, Angel Mike, and Gidget


*****

Debbie & Jack said...

I love you and I am there with you. Wish I could do something but you know how I feel about you and Mike. God bless him and you too.

love and hugs
Debbie and Jack

April 16, 2009 3:50 PM

*****


Debs said...

I'm thinking of you Joanna, and I know your pain. Mike will always be in your heart, never forget that and he will be waiting for you at the bridge.

I've asked Spike and Bear to look out for him when he arrives.

Much love to you.
April 16, 2009 12:59 PM


*****


I'm thinking of you Joanna, and I know your pain. Mike will always be in your heart, never forget that and he will be waiting for you at the bridge.

I've asked Spike and Bear to look out for him when he arrives.

Much love to you.

April 16, 2009 12:59 PM

*****

Amy Nadolski said...

Hi Joanna! I'm so sorry to hear about Mike. I feel like I know both of you from talking to my mom, Debbie. Animals make our lives whole and I know you must feel a piece of you went with him. I hope you can find peace soon. I'm sorry I was never able to meet Mike in person. Take care!
Amy Nadolski

April 16, 2009 6:22 PM

*****


Michelle, Sydney & Charlie said...

Oh sweetheart ! He has had a beautiful life with you. God Speed mike, we all love you and will miss you. Look for the big black lab named Brittany, she'll look over you :') XOXOXOXOXO Joanne & Gidget. We love you!
Michelle & Sydney (Charlie too)

*****


Cindy, Tucker & Justice said...

I am just heartbroken for u Jo.
I just got home and "splight" had left a VM for me telling me what would be happening. So, I didn't know until now. But, u both were on my mind all day, I talked abt u and Mike to a few friends, and how worried I was. I sent up many prayers--so I guess I was really with u.
You were/are an amazing mom to Mike (and Gidge). Mike would never have survived without the care u gave him. Many would have euth him as soon as there were accidents in the house. You made a decision that was unselfish, and a gift to Mike.
I am just so very very sorry.
Love and hugs,
Cindy, Tucker and Justice

April 16, 2009 7:42 PM

Just a quick note because my heart is breaking, and I want to go sit with Mike. Joanne is coming over around 1:00 to send him to the Rainbow Bridge. Oh my God... I don't know how I'm going to handle this... He's been my entire life for over 12 years (almost 13).

She said the diabetes by itself could be controlled, but his body is eating itself (Ketodosis?) and he does have the beginning of Cushings. He's so weak, but somehow he did manage to make it to sleep next to my bed last night. I wanted to sleep next to him, but there was no room to even squeeze next to him and the furniture he was comfortable sleeping next to.

Please pray for my boy. I know he will go easily... he's worn, tired, sick and weak, but thank God, Joanne said he really is not in pain. And and please pray for me that I can deal with this... and poor little Gidget is going to miss him terribly. She's been so good since he's been sick and hasn't even bothered him. She tried to give him some whisker kisses this morning, but he didn't feel good enough to accept them. Before he leaves us, I'm going to pick her up and let her give him all the kisses she wants to (whether he wants them or not)... she loves him so much.

I can't type anymore. Going to sit with him. She'll be here around 1:00 (maybe a bit sooner). Michelle will be with me when it happens.

Please pray for us.

Love You All

Joanne just left again... more fluids and showed me how to syringe baby food into him to at least get some nourishment in him. She had mentioned Hills AD that you could get at an animal clinic, but it's over a dollar a can, and for as much as he would need until this is over with, baby food will have to do. Thank God for her... she is such a blessings.

I totally lost it last night. It just seemed like I was losing him... like he was more than ready to leave for the Bridge. I cried like a baby the entire time I was chatting with Debs, and almost broke down again when I was talking to Roberta. Thank God I have friends (like all of you) who understand what I (we) are going through.

Last night I couldn't get him to drink anything, and food was just out of the question, so of course with no food in him, I couldn't give him his insulin, and that scared me even more. I called Joanne at 9:30, and she told me since she had given him the fluids earlier he may not feel the thirst. She said ideally he should be in the hospital, and she was so sweet, she said if she had the money, she would give it to me to put him in there so he can be supervised and have the iv in him the entire time. But... she doesn't have that kind of money either (after all, she's a very small practice and barely makes it for herself). She told me just to let him rest and to start giving him the insulin this morning whether he eats or not. So that's what I did.

It was like pulling teeth to even get him up this morning. The only way I could get a rise out of him was to knock on the door and say "Hellloooo?". Thank God that worked. I couldn't get him to go out at all or eat or drink, but I did manage to put the leash on him and drag him far enough away from behind the couch to give him his shot. Then I tried to spoon feed him with a plastic spoon with a little baby food. He didn't get much in him... maybe one teaspoon full which is far from enough. When she came over with the syringe, she managed to get an entire bottle of food in him... I was so very grateful. She said it's like priming a pump... if he hasn't eaten, he won't feel hungry, so maybe this will help get his juices stirring. I'm to give him another bottle later this afternoon and increase his insulin from 5 units to 8 units. When she comes over tomorrow, she's going to check his glucose level again.

Also... when she came over, and he heard someone at the door, he did come out from behind the couch, and (with a lot of help from her) he managed to get outside to get a little fresh air and get some blood circulating. He was so weak that it was hard for him to get out. You could tell he was wobbly, but he did it. We took the leash off him when he was out there, and he just stood there staring at us like "hey, I want to go back to sleep"... but he tried to pee a couple of times (nothing much came out) and finally worked his way back into the house.

I'm so down and scared about all of this. Last night, I was almost sure he wasn't going to make it through the night. When I talked to Joanne (or cried to her is more like it), I asked her if she thought this would work or is it the end... she said, "he's just been diagnosed... let's give it a little time". Today she said we should keep up treatment and see how he is in a week... it could take that long... but if it doesn't work, then we'll have to talk about the "alternative". OMG... I hate seeing him like this. I want to do everything I can to save him and make him feel better, but we're doing all we can... I just pray it's enough. I have to prepare myself though, because the way it looks now, he may not even wait for "me" to make the decision... he might just make it himself.


Cindy said...

OMG Jo, I am just stunned by all that is happening.
Justice has Cushings, but we pray it's iatrogenic (medicine induced by the steroids).He has such thinned out hair and was drinking like crazy (crying if the water bowl was empty. He is off steroids now.
My huge worry was that he was diabetic too. Thank God his glucose was fine, and FINALLY his Cushings symptoms seem to be resolving.
Last week, the cardio has found Tuck has COPD (chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and may want Tuck on steroids-but my biggest fear is what u are going thru. I am scared abt diabetes and Cushings.
I wish I could take Mike's pain and ur fears away. I would if I could-I really would. U are going thru a nightmare I was having.
I am soooo glad u found insulin at a reduced cost. Mine is abt $100.

Hang on to ur faith. I wish I could help somehow.
I am so sorry u and Mike are going through this.

Please keep us updated.

Love and hugs,
Cindy

Oh Cindy... You have so many worries of your own, and yet you carry ours on your shoulders too. I feel so bad about the boys (Justice and Tucker) and everything they're going through... and you've been going through so much for such a long time. Plus the fact that your own health isn't that great. How I wish everyone could just be healthy and happy and enjoying every minute.
I don't think Mike has Cushings (of course tests aren't in yet) because he hasn't had any hair loss (except his two back feet, and she said he would have loss over much more of his body if it were Cushings), plus the excessive water consumption totally stopped two days ago (that's killing me... afraid he's going to die of thirst, but with the fluids, she said he should be ok and not to worry about his drinking for right now). The drinking was more from the diabetes than (she thinks) Cushings.

Give those beautiful babies some extra hugs from Auntie Jo and tell them how much I love them.

And to everyone who reads this... thank you all so much for caring about my boy. I ask that you continue to send up prayers for him, because if this treatment doesn't work within a week or so, he's probably going to have to leave me... oh God.. I HATE THIS FEELING... but he's been with me so much longer than was predicted. Who would ever have thought that diabetes would take over the cancer?

God Bless You All
Love, Blessings, Hugs and Nose Kisses
Joanna, Mike & Gidget


April 14, 2009 9:43 PM

EDIT OF ORIGINAL POST At The End Of This Message

The results are in... and they're not good.
Joanne came over yesterday. My poor boy went through so much, but he was so good about it. She had to stick him at least seven or eight times to be able to get blood... the veins just weren't there. It was only after we all said a prayer to Jesus that she was actually able to get blood from him. I was holding Mike's face and praying, and I know Mike understood how much Jesus loves him, and all of a sudden the blood flowed in the tube. The power of prayer is amazing.
Then we managed to get just enough urine for her to do a complete health check on him. I just got off the phone with her... first the good news....

His kidneys are fine... have no indication that they are shutting down. The cancer, at this point, doesn't seem to even be an issue anymore (thank God for that).

Now... the bad news. Mike is extremely diabetic and may have Cushings. His liver enzymes are slightly elevated, but his Cortisol level is 986 and should be 150. His Glucose level is 518 and should be between 100 and 125. She said so much on the phone that I honestly couldn't comprehend it all. I wrote down a few things, but my head was reeling as she talked. She's going to stop over after her appointments today and bring me a copy of the lab report and a supply of needles and a prescription for insulin. If it turns out that he does have Cushings (I'm not sure if that's the one she said he'd have to go to the hospital to check for or if she just needed more blood for the test), that will be another prescription. She said the medication for Cushings is not very expensive, but at this point... everything is expensive. But... I'm going to do everything I can for him until I can't do anymore. Like she said, "You're going to be working for the 'company store'" Which means every penny I earn is going to Mike. And that's ok... he's my heart, my soul, my love. I'll do anything for him I can to give him a good quality of life. I just pray that whatever we can do for him works.

As far as a Glucometer to check his sugar level, she said they have glucometer's for dogs now to test their level... said they're about $50... I asked her if we could use one they use for people (cuz my brother has one I know he doesn't use), and she said they use to use those but now have the ones made specifically for animals

As far as the test he would need to go to the hospital for (maybe the Cushings?)... I'm not sure if I could put him through that. He's so terrified of those places to start with, and he's so weak that the stress of going there could kill him. I'll talk to her about any alternative she can come up with.

I'll know more after she comes over (I hope) and maybe I'll be able to digest everything she has to say. I know one thing though... I won't let my baby suffer. I'm praying so hard that the insulin (and diet) will be enough to bring him back to life. He's so sick right now. He's only gone out one time since she left yesterday and has neither eaten or even had any water to drink since then. My heart is broken, and I'm trying to hold back the tears, because if I let them out, the damn will break. Brandon is still here, and he's such a sensitive kid.... he doesn't need to see me fall apart.

I've got to go now. Please pray for my boy.

*****

I'm editing the previous post to let you know what's happened since my posting this morning. He definitely has a very bad case of diabetes. The Cushings is still yet to be determined. She (Joanne) gave me and explained all of the test results... it made my stomach knot up. She told me if I was a "regular" client, she would have him admitted for a few days to maintain fluids with iv and start insulin... but she knows I have no money.... so, she's going to give him a bag of fluids every day and possibly teach me how to do it until he straightens out.... she also gave me a prescription for insulin and taught me how to give him the shots.

The thing is... he's got to eat before starting the insulin. That's going to be a trick. She told me of a special food that's the consistency of baby food, and if he doesn't eat it, I'm to force it in him with a syringe. Plus... I called around for pricing on the insulin, and at first they were telling me the insulin was $105 - $108..... omg.. i can't afford that........... finally, I found a pharmacy that was nice enough to tell me there is a cheaper one to use... actually, that's the one that Joanne prescribed, but the initial pharmacies i called gave me bogus prices on the more expensive ones. Joanne said it should be around $30 ... as it turns out it will be $42 ....... I am so strapped right now... this is gonna kill me if a miracle doesn't happen... I also have to pick up my bp pills this afternoon and thats another $20 ... all I have is $87 for the month... I thought I'd be fine... until now.

While she was here... my brother called. Brandon answered the phone and told him what was going on. I just soooooo wish he hadn't said anything (but he didn't know any better). My brother has been after me since Mike got cancer to put him down. He just doesn't understand that I WILL NOT LET MIKE SUFFER. But he insists that Mike is suffering, even though Joanne said he's not. He's just worn out right now. It's hard enough knowing that if the diabetes can't be controlled that Mike will have to leave me... I don't need him rubbing salt in the wound. I know he means well.. but I also know how I feel and what I'm willing to give up for the best friend I ever had.

Please pray for us.

******

Not a good day. I'm not sure how much longer my sweet boy will be with me. He's just acting so strange and has started having so many more problems... I hate to say it, but I feel in my heart that we're almost near the end.

I've told you how he's been sleeping so much. Well, that could be more from his age than his illness. But his water consumption is endless, and today he had a seizure (or what may have been one) and he puked up a bunch of water (but no where near as much as he had to drink just before). His eyes are draining, and I noticed that they were both clouding over a few weeks ago (kind of like cataracts).

Brandon spent the night here last night. He had to go to one of the stores at the mall, and I didn't want to leave Mike home, so he went with us. Of course I stayed in the car with him. He was very lethargic the entire time in the car, and he had trouble getting into the car... almost afraid to jump in. He'd get his front feet in and then give up before even trying to get his back legs in. I had to pick him up and push him in even though it hurt him (and me) to do it.

Also, one of his back paws has been looking raw lately, and I've been treating it with neosporin, and it seemed to have been getting better, but now his other hind foot is starting to look the same way.

He threw up his treats yesterday... actually didn't even finish eating the few I gave him before I went out, and when I came home, I saw the left over treats on the floor and the upchucked ones on the tile. He hardly ate any dinner last night, and I had to hand feed him the little that he did eat.

Joanne is coming over this afternoon to take blood and check him out. She said he may not have had a seizure, but she'll know more after she checks him and gets the bloodwork back. She asked me if I could take him someplace where they have their own lab and get the results back immediately, but I can't. They want payment at time of service... I just don't have it. So, she will take the blood and send it to the lab tonight. I should get the results in a couple days.

I just feel so bad today. And to top it of... last night Brandon and I watched "Marley and Me"... that certainly didn't help make me feel any better.

Gonna close for now. Really not up to writing much more. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.

Love & Blessings

Just wanted to stop in for a minute and let you know things are status quo around here, so that's a good thing.

Joanne was going to come to take blood from Mike last night after her appointments but then had an emergency euthanasia she had to do, so we'll probably (maybe) wait until next week. He seems better as far as getting up to go out, but he's still sleeping a lot. The top of his foot is still pretty pink, but I think it's healing. It's been that way for awhile now. Between Neosporin, Betagen Spray and Triple Antibiodic cream, you'd think it'd be gone for now. He's pretty good about leaving the bandage on, but when he does take it off, I leave it off for a day or so to let the air get at it.

It's going to be a very long summer with Gidget and her mouth. I swear, that dog barks more than any ten dogs you've ever seen. I'm truly beginning what I've gotten myself in to and wondering how I'm going to last the next 12 or 13 years with all that yipping. It drives me mad sometimes. She can be sweet as pie and cute as anything, but then there are those (noisy) times when all the cuteness in the world can't make it better.

I'm doin' ok. I think my blood pressure has been fluctuating a bit too much in the afternoon though because I've started getting a few bouts of lightheadedness... not bad, but there. And then I had a horrible headache the other day that I know was caused by the pressure. Oh man.. it's hell getting old.

Ok.. gotta run. I hope this finds everyone doing well and having a great day. Have a Very Happy and Blessed Easter everyone!!

Love, Hugs, Blessings & Nose & Whisker Kisses,
Joanna, Mike & Gidget

Just a short update. It's been a long two days and looking forward to another one tomorrow. I've been going to a wonderful conference by Graham Cooke. He's an author and fantastic speaker on the prophetic. Since I've been part of the Prophetic Ministry Team at church, we've all been attending the conference. I have to say I've learned a lot, and it's been really interesting. However, I'm totally exhausted.

I'm only up this late right now so Gidget could stay out of her room a little longer. She's been in it most of the day. I came home during the lunch break and then again at the dinner break to let them out and feed them.

I'm beginning to get concerned about Mike. Like I've said before, he's sleeping more and more lately. I was wondering if I'd be able to wake him up in time for me to get to the meeting by 8:30, but thankfully, he woke up and went outside before I left (surprised me that he actually got up... I would never have left if he hadn't... would have waited).

Anyway... I almost didn't go back to the meeting after the lunch break... he scared the crap out of me. I came home, and he wouldn't get up. He was laying on the tile by the door, and just looked at me... not wanting to move. He normally greets me at the door with tail wagging and ready to go outside. But this time... nothing. Gidget, of course, was more than ready to go out and tried to get him interested by giving him unwelcome whisker kisses. I put the leash on him, hoping I could entice him to get up... but nothing. My God, I was terrified. I didn't know what to think. He was totally disinterested.

I decided to feed them, and if he didn't get up for food, I'd call Joanne and forget about the rest of the conference. After letting Gidge out, I picked up the food bowls, put them on the sink and broke up some roast chicken I made the other day. THANK GOD... he got up and ate really good. After he ate, he seemed fine... went out and then came in looking for a treat. What a relief. I was late getting back to the conference, but I wouldn't leave until I knew he was all right. When I came home during the dinner break, and again tonight, he was fine.

I'm really getting concerned about him. I honestly don't think the cancer is causing as much of a problem right now as his age. I "think" he's 13 years old, but he could be older since when I got him at the pound they said the though he was "about" a year old, and on May 14th, we will be together 12 years. Our days of going for walks are pretty much over. The last couple of times we've "tried" to go for a walk, he wears out so fast that he can't make it even a tenth of a mile before we have to turn around. So now our walks consist of walking to the back of the property (once) and back to the house.

This afternoon Karol told me she thinks he's starting to take a downward turn. I hate to say this, but I think she's right. He sleeps so much and so many times refuses to go outside. It seems he's learned that he can pee in his diaper with no repercussions, and the only time he doesn't argue about going out is when he first wakes up in the morning and then before bed at night. Otherwise, even if I put his leash on and try to tug on him to get him going, he'll stand his ground like a stubborn mule. I don't know if he's just too tired to go out or lazy... I'm thinking tired. The only thing that makes me think it "could" be from his disease is that he's been drinking a lot of water... I'm praying his kidneys aren't going. I'm going to have Joanne do some blood work on him next week and see what's going on with him (if anything). One thing I'm really grateful for though is that at least there's no blood in his urine or in the diaper. I just wish he'd go out like he's suppose to though.. by the time I get to change him, the diaper weighs at least 2 pounds and the belly band is usually wet and needs washing too.

Please say a little prayer for him if you get a chance. We'd really appreciate it.
Gidget went to her room, so I guess she's ready for bed... me too. I'm debating about going to the conference tomorrow or not. It doesn't start till 9:30 and should probably be over by about 1:00, so I think I'm just going to wing it and see how Mike is before I make up my mind.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love & Blessings,
Jo, Mike & Gidget