Monday, April 27, 2009
It looks like we went right from Winter to Summer with no Spring in between. The temperature has been in the mid to high 80's and hit 93 on Saturday. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to enjoy it much. For some reason, I had absolutely no energy at all on Saturday and Sunday. Gidget woke up at 8:30 both mornings and needed to go out... it took me almost fifteen minutes to be able to move (even though I was awake) on Saturday, and Sunday was no better. I was so tired and my body felt like something was pushing me down where I couldn't move.
On Saturday, I ended up in the recliner until almost 12:30. Around 1:00 I literally "forced" myself to go to PetSmart and got a harness for the seat belt in the car to keep her safe. She loves riding in the car, but I can't trust her. Plus the fact that if I have to make a quick stop, she falls on the floor, and on top of the fact that as soon as I open the door, she'll jump out... well this seemed to be the safest way to take her anywhere. I was going to come home and try it out (take her for a ride), but I was so drained again and my legs were cramped, I could hardly move. I was gone less than an hour, and somehow used whatever energy I could muster up.
It was about two hours later when I was finally able to kick myself in the ass and get up again. Gidget had been so good... I felt horrible that she was missing out on such a great day too. So, I washed my face, actually ate a teaspoon of sugar for energy, and put her in the car. She was so excited. We went to my brother's house. They have two dogs (a golden-doodle and a tiny pappilion puppy) that Gidget had never met. I was a little concerned because she has never been socialized with any dogs other than Mike, but my concerns were needless. It only took seconds of nose to nose contacts (butt sniffing wasn't even necessary) between her and Mikey (the doodle) for them to become fast friends. I let her off the leash and watched her run like crazy around the yard with Mikey. He chased her... she chased him... and poor little Chloe just wanted to get in on it so bad, but her little legs just couldn't keep up (she's about the size of a man's large hand).
The dogs ran for maybe 20 minutes before they slowed down. OMG.. that was the first time Gidget had been able to run free... it just made me smile and laugh so much that it was well worth all the effort of forcing myself to go. When they slowed down some, little Chloe was able to catch up with Gidget and started batting at her face and tail and giving her whisker kisses like Gidget use to give Mike. All of a sudden, Gidget looked so big next to the puppy... I could only think of Mike and that his sister did the same exact things to him. As happy as it made me to see her having such a wonderful time, at the same time, it broke my heart knowing that Mike wasn't there to enjoy it too. Gidget's the "big" kid now (at least as far as Chloe is concerned), and it was so odd to see her playing so gently with that little one... it just seemed like it should have been Mike there playing with her too.
When we got home, I collapsed on the chair and Gidget pretty much did the same. We were both worn out. She went to her room around 8:30 and I went to bed at 9:00... hoping for more energy on Sunday. It didn't happen. Except for letting Gidge out at 8:30, I fell back to sleep and never woke up till noon. The entire day was like that. I never made it to church and couldn't even walk Gidget out back (I tried a couple of times) but my legs started cramping up so bad that I couldn't even walk.
THANK GOD... this morning I feel awake and alive again. I am so very grateful. I tried walking Gidge in back again, and my legs are still cramping up, so I guess I'm going to "have" to call the doctor... ohhhhh how I hate to do that.
Something else has been bothering me that I just don't understand. I was talking to a wonderful friend the other day, and for some reason, I told her I hadn't cried and maybe if I could cry I would feel better. As soon as we hung up the phone, I thought, "how could I say that?" I cried non-stop for almost four days after Mike left me. I guess maybe because I hadn't cried for two or three days before I talked to her?... maybe I forgot? Is that possible? I mean... my eyes were swollen for such a long time, and I know it wasn't from "not" crying. I'm wondering if I felt guilty because the tears hadn't fallen for a couple of days. Of course, it doesn't take much for tears to start up (a memory, a thought, kissing the can with his ashes in it), but I've been able to hold them back for the most part. I'm wondering if maybe I'm feeling guilty because I've been able to hold them back since my breakdown is over. I don't know... and I don't even know why I'm writing about it here... guess I just have to get it out, and this is the "safest" place for me to do that since I know you all understand.
It's another beautiful day... 77 degrees... this is PERFECT for me... not too hot. I'm going to work soon, and I'm praying really hard that I'll still feel energetic enough to take Gidget over Joe's so she could run with her cousins again. That was just so awesome.
I hope everyone has a beautiful day. Thank you all so much for keeping up with us. We're so blessed to have friends like you.
Love & Blessings,
Joanna, (Angel) Mike & Gidget